when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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