Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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