I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
