shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
