I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
