I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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