I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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