Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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