wrigley field is MILF paradise
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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