Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
