I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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