Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
