today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize