Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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