I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
