I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize