he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
