I wish my penis had an off switch
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
