last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
