You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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