Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
you made out with another girl for some wings
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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