why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
