So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
