Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
