so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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