i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
