We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
