I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
