I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
