By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Randomize