This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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