Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
