We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
