Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
