Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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