My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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