When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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