bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
