Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize