if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
kristin has been a bad kristin
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They took my balls.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
