Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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