Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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