6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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