the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
