My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
