twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
