I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
