this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
