he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
