Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
