Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
