I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
someone owes me an orgasm
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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