hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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