apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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