so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
